The MRI. A first for me. I sat wrapped in an NHS couture number waiting to be called into the scanning room. I have to mention that I had felt the need to do these things on my own. I’m not sure why. This was the next chunk of learning for me. I realised that actually some thing are better faced around those who love you. As I silently broke down in front of the radiographer as a result snapping my two string bracelets that my children had gifted me for mother’s day earlier that year I realised that maybe I wasn’t as OK as I had thought. It didn’t get better in the scanner either. I continued my silent sobbing throughout the MRI scan (it may not have been silent to be fair as the machine was deafeningly loud) but I have evidence to support the sobs by the pool of tears and string of snot on the scanner board post procedure after being freed from the constraints of the tube.

Ring ring. The radiographer calls me on my way home.

“Samantha you have left your bracelets here. We can keep them behind the reception desk for you to collect when you are ready”

“It’s OK, bin them. They broke.”

“We’ll keep them for you should you change your mind."

Results day with the human robot.

“Samantha your MRI has confirmed 5 further tumours across the right breast and one in the left-We will book you in for a sentinel node biopsy in 10 days time.  We will then likely do a right mastectomy. Please go for your pre-op assessment”

WHAT’S A SENTINAL NODE WHEN IT’S AT HOME?? I researched this after this appointment and it turns out these are types of lymph nodes. This important procedure indicates whether the cancer has metastasised or spread.

Fast forward as the waiting bit is boring. It will be boring for you. It was boring for me. It was also stressful. A few more biopsies, scans and mammograms on the right side where little titanium markers are clipped to the tumours to be able to locate them in further surgeries. What about the left breast? Why are you not exploring the left? Ah ok we will have a look. Thanks. OK we can’t find it so don’t worry at this stage. 

Okaaaaay.

A sentinel node biopsy is a big operation. You are under GA and I had planned to go dancing the following week. Well it turns out I wasn’t dancing for a few weeks to come and also time off work. 

It turns out anaesthetic and me go together like birds of a feath…. No they don’t. Anaesthetic does not agree with me. Although thankful for the rest (being a mum of two small people, one of those being a redhead is tough business) the after effects are not as desirable as one would hope for. I ended up losing my legs (I love a metaphor) upon arriving at home later that evening and had to be carried in by a lovely friend from my salsa club.

Good news! (at last)

Cancer was not in my sentinel nodes! It had not spread on my right side. But here, have a massive ugly scar right under your armpit which will prevent you from washing properly for a few weeks and therefore stink especially if you glow (sweat like a pig) like me, just to remind you. I am being trivial but that is how it felt at the time. Although I knew it had not spread. I can’t explain this, but my intuition and gut have always been strong and this was no different. I had the operation to confirm that the cancer had indeed, not spread. It was not to show otherwise for me. By the way, my understanding of a ‘massive and ugly scar’ was based on a graze that hadn’t healed properly on my knee when I was 8 years old. It is all relative. I know look at my SNB scar as a dainty and almost delicate marking.

“So right simple mastectomy booked in for the 4th November (or MX as it is commonly seen in clinical form)

“But what about my left breast?”

“What about your left breast Samantha??”

“The MRI showed a tumour on the left aswell?”

“Oh it did? Right let’s have a look” (cue some uncomfortable silence and fidgeting) “Right well it is probably fine”

“Great. But I would like a double mastectomy please without reconstruction as I would like to be symmetrical”

“I am not prepared to remove healthy tissue Samantha." (Cue more USGs)

“You cannot confirm that the left breast is HEALTHY AS I HAVE A TUMOUR IN IT!!!” (banging my head on the desk-that bit didn’t actually happen but it’s how I felt)

“Well I will then refer you for a guided MRI biopsy”(Another USG)

“Thank you”

“Goodbye”

I have obviously minimised this exchange because it would get boring. In truth it was boring. And just as easily as I could have forgotten about the left because other than the initial MRI conversation, no one had mentioned my poor little left boob, I challenged (appropriately I should add) my consultant on this. My dad can vouch for this as I had decided that big appointments I could do with some moral support so he was there. This is another example of intuition / inner voice / gut / guardian / any religious or spiritual explanation in play. I somehow knew my left was not healthy. Although at the time I was confused as to whether this was my ego coming out for a run around because I didn’t want to be a uni-boober or whether it was based on an innate understanding on a cellular level about my body’s compromised state. I would like to point out that IF I had kept quiet my story would now be a different one.

On the school pick up run I bumped into a friend, who I briefly explained my predicament to. She looked into my soul and said ‘You know your body. Fight for what you believe is right. If you don’t- who will?” We all need validation sometimes. This was the validation and encouragement that I needed at that time. 

Fast forward. I have had my guided MRI biopsy for the left breast (what a bag of fun that procedure was…especially on an A cup) I have written a letter to be read out in front of my consultant at the next Multi Disciplinary Meeting, emailed it to the breast team, secretaries, my dad, my brother’s girlfriend’s horse etc etc . I speak at length to another lovely breast nurse, Ambreen who takes time with me and as Hilary is off work and will not be in the next MDT, she will speak on my behalf. 

Letter see below:

Samantha Bright

Patient Number: ********

NHS number : *********

Professor *** *******

To be taken in to the multi disciplinary team meeting week of 5/11/18

Following diagnosis of multifocal grade two cancers in my right breast I am happy to undergo a unilateral mastectomy on the right side without reconstruction, leaving just my left breast.

I would, however, like confirmation that my left breast is healthy and contains no cancerous cells before this procedure.

A nodule had been identified in the left breast during MRI screening. This was not located during a follow up Ultrasound therefore was not biopsied to explore. However a mammogram was performed on both breasts at the same time which has not been mentioned.

My preference was and still is for a bilateral mastectomy, prophylactic or otherwise. I agree to a unilateral procedure if the left breast is confirmed healthy tissue.

The minimal number of procedures is an important factor for me as a self-employed choreographer, fitness instructor and single mother to two young children, so if the left breast cannot be confirmed as healthy tissue I would request both breasts be removed on the 15th November.

Yours sincerely

Samantha Bright

2 more mastectomy dates get cancelled until results are ready. It is now nearly the end of November. Results are in. But wait! What is this?? My surgeon is now not available to have me as one of her patients. But another surgeon will take me on. How convenient. And an utter blessing.

LEFT BREAST HAS CANCER ASWELL. Ladies and Gentleman I thank you. I will have a double mastectomy (DMX) next week. December 5th. Mic drop.